Love, sex aur cricket

Caution: contains some explicit comments, not suitable for young audience.

We all know that cricket has gone through a renaissance since the emergence of 20-20, the 3 hour version of the original 5 day game and a further compacted form of the improvised 1-day version. The euphoria around this is not surprising, given the hope that 20-20 has brought to the game that finally it has a format that can go global or perhaps even become an Olympic sport. The commercialization and the localization have only helped the cause. Best of all, the cricket lover doesn’t have to kill that fictional relative or fake diarrhea to enjoy a match on working days. 20-20 has undoubtedly added a fast food menu to the cricket fan's diet.

But what drives me nuts are the crazy cricket commentators and critics who keep popping stupid questions like "Will 20-20 make 1-day cricket obsolete?" or "Would 20-20 kill interest in test cricket?" etc. It shocks and angers me to see these people who talk, write, watch and think cricket for a living, don’t really seem to realize what cricket is all about – the bat and the ball.

If you are a cricket lover and has played the game as a kid is any of its versions... i.e., inside the classroom during the break with a textbook for a bat and your homework sheets rolled with rubber bands, for a ball… or in the neighborhood gully, with the rear number plate of that dirty ambassador as the wicket…  or when you and three other batsmen facing four directions shared that lonely tree in your playground, for a stump… or in the open village fields with the improvised coconut tree branch for a bat… or in your school team with a brand new Sunridge that you had to earn with a 100 in math… or on the road by marina beach where the tennis ball you bowled would swing 5 feet in air… or on a green mat on an afternoon in the Indian summer,  with the shine on the leather blinding you… or in any of the other unlimited ways you can play cricket… then, you know that cricket had never fails to deliver the satisfaction and excitement that cricket, and only cricket can provide.

It doesn't matter if it is a 20-20 that you can watch over dinner or a test that can consume all the leaves you saved over the last year or that 1-day match that you preferred to watch over your best friend's wedding. At the end of the day (or week or hour) what matters for a cricket lover is that he gets to experience that eternal battle between the ones who yields the willow and the ones who spits on the leather. Because that’s exactly what cricket is all about – the battle between the bat and the ball. When you remove that, there is nothing much left.

Hypothetically, let’s say you are somehow transferred to the future, say a 100 years from now, how much would you pay, to take that time machine, just in order to watch those lopsided 1-day matches played on pitches that are as flat as the kitchen counter top or those contest-free 20-20s where the best bowlers look like grandmas or those 1-days played on green tops and dust bowls where ever legends are reduced to a pair of pads or even worse… those pseudo test matches that are nothing but batting practices that won’t get over even in a 100 days. How much would you pay? Or would you? Only cricket lovers understand how much these matches hurt them. These matches never deliver the thrill, excitement and fun that cricket, and only cricket delivers. After these matches, neither would the soul of that fictional relative who died on your leave letter rest in peace nor will your dinner digest. And if you missed your best friend's wedding... you better stay away from heights or anything that looks like a rope or even the medicine cabinet. If you love cricket, you probably already know how depressing these matched are.  No cricket fan, except may be some crazy cricket statisticians, would be coming back from the future to watch these matches.

Test cricket is a fully fledged romance. It has those moments when you can’t stop smiling... those crazy hours of waits that seem like years... the pain... the unshed tears... the ecstasy... the moments of sheer joy... the ups and the downs... the rush in the heart... the butterflies in the stomach... the weakness in the knees... the frustration... the so-close-and-yet-so-far-away moments… the moments when time stands still… the grace you will fall in love with… the tears of joy following all that patience… the twist of fate… the elegance that try to hate but cannot… well, you name it. And, you’ll experience it all in a single test match. Irrespective of whom you are, as long as you love the game of cricket, a single test match can romance you for life. More than that dream girl or that dream boy of yours.

You may get a little taste of all that in a 1-day. But 1-day cricket is a whole different experience. It’s more like a one-night stand. The hits… the misses… the tension in the air… the fast deafening heartbeats… the waits for the right times… the final moves… the flirts… the foreplay… the final slog… the delights… the disappointments… the ones you forget… the ones you remember for a lifetime… the morning after… the times when there was no real game… the times when you wished there hadn’t been one… the change of fortunes… the interrupted ones… the shortened ones… it’s all there. 1-day cricket gives us its own unique experience. If you can’t commit to the same game, its best for you. You can probably experience half a dozen 1-days in the same time as a test (in the peak season that is). And day-night version just lasts for one night. You may enjoy it or may not. But either ways you can still forget it and get on with your life the next morning. Of course… there will be those exceptions at times.

And 20-20, well, what can I say. 20-20 is like, for lack of another word, plain orgasm. Pure lust. More like a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am kinds. It gets over before you even realize that it has begun. Even when you had a good time, you think “Wow! That was short… but it was fun”. The good part is that, you can finish it fast and get back to channel surfing or get back to work or go home without having to make excuses for being late. Most of the time, the hype is created more by all the ads, the celebrities, the cheer leaders, the miniskirts, the music, the ads et all, than by the real game which happens to be just a little part of the whole match. But, there is much better variety this way. Sometimes you may wonder if it was worth the wait. But still, you wait for the next match. Coz, not matter what… nothing else can match the satisfaction and excitement that cricket and only cricket can provide.

It doesn’t matter if it is romance or love or lust or just a flirt. There are those of us who can’t live without the romance. There are others who love the commitment free no strings attached life. And there are others yet, who need just that passionate hour. And there are those who want a bit of everything. Or maybe there are those change their preference seasonally. But in any case, what really makes these experiences worthwhile, is the chemistry between two people (for now, just let’s not talk about group chemistry). You take that away… there is hardly anything worth pursuing.

Cricket is no different. There are those of us who love the 5-day affair. And there are those of us, who prefer the 1-day excitement. And then, there are those who crave for the few hours of 20-20. Some of us love all of it. And some have seasonal preferences. But irrespective of what form of cricket we like, what really brings us to cricket is the battle between the willow and the leather. You take away that, there is no more soul left in the game… even if the icons of the game are playing. What fun is it to watch Warne bowl to Sachin in a dust bowl or Shoaib bowl to Sehwag in a flat pitch or McGrath bowls to Lara on a green top?

1-day cricket did not kill test cricket. Neither will 20-20. What will kill cricket are the organizers of the game who seem to forget that cricket has to always be a battle between the willow and the leather. You take away that, you take away the soul of the game. So, to the pundits of the game, as a cricket lover, all I ask is to keep the game alive. Keep away everything that kills the battle between the bat and the ball. 

For starters, can we take away the free-hit rule for over stepping? We already penalize the bowler with an extra delivery and 1 run plus whatever was scored on the no-ball, minus any wicket that he took in that attempt. Adding an extra free-hit in an already batsman dominated contest, only is only tilting the balance more and killing the game. Anyone listening?

My first my and last. Just for namesake.

This post is my first blog post. But its probably not my last. And I'm not writing for namesake. But it is certainly for my name's sake. And it is for my first and last... er... name. For most of the days of my life I have only been addressed and called by a name that is not mine. I don't expect this to change for the rest of my life. Its a long story that I usually avoid, simply because I find it harder to say tell the story than the fact that the people with who I spend a lot time, don't even know my name. So, long story short... well, what the heck. Here the long story itself.

My parents named me Sivaprakash. My "given" name. They added Salai in front of it, in respect for the family shrine, as was practiced in the faith that my family believed (and still believe). Not an unusual practice in Tamil Nadu. And that was preceded with the initial "M" after my father's first name. Again, not an unusual practice in the south Indian state I came from. I always thought thats how it is. I never knew there is a history behind the initial. You can click on the link and read more if you want. But I don't want to make my story as long. This is painful enough!

And thus, I became M. Salai Sivaprakash. Which was, I guess, long enough. But still it did not include my family name. Well, we don't have a family name. May be we would have. I don't know. But the Dravidian ideology, my family's faith and the "We are born to Fathers, and not to Castes" concept of my region, ensured that my name is not going to be Sivaprakash Chettiar, as it would have probably been otherwise. But I don't regret it. Atleast not as much as everything else that the "naming convention" of my name would make me face.


To start with, by the format of my name, I was promptly became known as "Salai" at school and by my friends. Except for one of my 2nd grade language teacher, Eswari, who liked to call me "Siva". Meanwhile, I was called as "Prakash" by my family, relatives and my neighbors. So my close friends who hanged around a lot with me at my place and in my neighborhood also called me "Prakash". While my best friends would call me "Prak". Some of my sports and "tuition" teachers would call me "Sivaprakash". And all through my school days, I lived with the accusation of not being receptive when my "name" was called. And to add to the confusion, my cousins had the same problem as well. All of us were "Salai". So, when we used to get a call at our home phone for "Salai"... you probably can figure out what we had to go thru.


Anyways, I thought I can handle all this and go through with this. My college buddies added to the list. And my wife made her own list as well. But nothing troubled me. When I started working, I modeled my name after my brother-in-law who had lived around the world and I assumed he has figured it out by now. So, my employer thought I was "Murugamalai Salai Sivaprakash" in the order of first, middle and last ;-). This name carried into PAN card and my checking accounts. I still held on. Though I convinced my employer later that my name is "Salai Sivaprakash" in the order of first and last. No middle ;-). My bank manager didn't buy it though. He said that I have to get a "change of name" certificate. Oh forget it!


Meanwhile, my passport said that I don't have a "surname". While my name was apparently "Salai Siva Prakash" with a visible space created in the handwritten section for "Given Names". And so obviously, it confused the USCIS when I wanted a visa to the US stamped to my passport. Unfortunately, their software would not allow them to leave the last name blank. So, the worked around it. They made my last name as "SALAI-SIVA-PRAKASH" and my first name... as FNU. I learnt later that it meant "First Name Unknown". And in the to follow, FNU would become my first name on my US drivers licence, my car insurance and car registration. But I held on... and just assumed that FNU is a cool name.


Germany thought that "Salai" was my first name, while "Siva" is my middle name and "Prakash" is my last name. It wasn't a problem. No one understood the visa stamp that was in German, anyways. I had a temporary relief though, when Canada (god bless the Canadians), believed what I wrote in my application and stamped my passport with my first name as "Salai' and last name as "Sivaprakash".


But I held on. Patiently. With four different versions of my name, just in my passport. Hmmm. But, the day did really come. When my passport expired the next year. I trusted the Indian Consulate in Chicago to believe my application. And thank god they did. My passport now said that "Salai" is my first name. And "Sivaprakash" is my last. Hurray!!!!! And a couple of days later... ok fine... a couple of years later, when my US visa expired, the USCIS would change my first name to "Salai" and my last name to "Sivaprakash". Phooo....

It wasn't hard to convince the Michigan DMV that my name in my license has to be changed. But that was not before the whole office spent a good half hour of federal productivity listening to why I'm FNU. But at least, I was known. I mean... I was no longer "First Name Unknown".

I still have some clean-up to do, though. My car registration. Apparently, the bank has to agree to put my "correct" name. So, I am spending 1-2 hours every week trying to talk to the automated voice and confused call center agents around the world, who keep trying to figure out which bank bought my bank and what part, and who may potentially have my car title. Well, not a problem. I can wait. I don't care. Even when I had to move to California, who's DMV's software wont allow special characters in the last name. So, they think my first and last name can be "FNU" and "SALAISIVAPRAKASH" for a while. But, I still wonder when I will see the last of this. But I hope that my name will soon "universally" be accepted as "Salai" as first and "Sivaprakash" as last. Only, its a pity that I won't have my any part of my dad's name in any part of my name, anymore. May be I can add it as my middle name in a few years. ahem!!!!

For the time being... my old insurance agents send me New Year greetings every year that says "Dear FNU, Happy New Year". And my bank manager keeps asking for a "Change of Name" certificate". And I keep praying that Nandan Nilekani would get rid of the Indian PAN card.

However, all said and done... it brings me the most happiness when my two year old daughter calls me "Appa". In fact, sometimes she would mock my wife and call me "Sonu" with a naughty look that seem to say... "just for namesake" :-)